Good morning my loves and welcome to day 24 of our Dry January Series.
Here is today's prompt:
"What do you feel like you're missing? What do you feel like would make you "whole"? Is it something that would provide stability like money or is it something less tangible? Like confidence or compassion?"
Because shame has been my main mode of motivation for the past, I don't know...32 years...I have had to learn how to grow without constantly obsessing over what I lack.
When I first started doing the work that it takes to get sober and recover, I realized very quickly that it wasn't a one and done situation. There wasn't going to be one magical day where I was healed and perfect. Part of healing is accepting that it's a part of your life forever. Continually showing up for the work and your body because you deserve it.
I wanted healing to be a championship. Something to win. So I set out to "fix" myself. I set out to find every thing wrong with me and try to twist it and turn it until it either left or fit into the shape I needed it to.
This worked for a while but it took an insane amount of willpower. I was trying to will myself out of my bad behaviors and force myself into good ones. It wasn't working, I was tired and exhausted and didn't feel like I was really growing.
As I dove deeper into self-exploration though, I realized that I wasn't going to work on my shit by trying to make all of the bad parts of me go away. Because no part of myself was ever leaving - I didn't need to erase who I was or what I had been through, I just needed to spend some time understanding it all.
When we start talking about what we lack - it's often not because we think WE need that thing but usually it's because we think if we had that thing then it would get us what we really want - maybe happiness, security, status, belonging, etc.
I used to say "if I was more confident, I would be happier" but really it's the other way around - happier people are more confident because they don't have to spend time or energy trying to please others. They are happy with where they are at and not seeking validation from others for their confidence, they have it all on their own.
When we try to shapeshift into versions of ourselves that we think will make us "better" we actually rob ourselves of the really fun work of figuring out what we're actually like. Maybe we are really confident if we are in a setting where we are full of joy. Okay well what fills us with joy? Boom, another opportunity to dig a little deeper.
Because odds are, all of the qualities you think you "lack" are actually part of the bigger story of what makes you uniquely you. Shyness or loudness or weirdness or whatever else ness the world has told us to shame is part of the outline of your life. We all have curves and edges and ripped pages - they are what make our story ours and only ours.
Working on our trauma responses and triggers is so important and necessary but do not get lost in believing that you yourself aren't good enough for this or that healing has to look like fireworks in order to be important.
Healing is just showing up. The more you do it, the freer you let yourself be. The freer you become, the more you know yourself. And the more you know yourself, the more secure you are in every single part of yourself.