Growth
Hello and welcome to day 6 of Dry January. I'm so happy you're here. Here's our prompt:
"What do you want to let go of right now? Do you feel like there is anything you're holding onto that you might be outgrowing?"
I have become a plant mom this year. I bought 6 during the summer and last time my husband counted, we're past 30 now. I will be completely honest here and let you know I have killed a couple so I am not an expert but I have started to learn a lot from these babies.
Plants have reshaped my patience in a way I didn't expect. As I consistently show up for them, they give me new leaves, taller stems, and more roots. Every new leaf is a surprise and I truly get excited every time.
Most recently I have begun propagating plants. This is when you take a leaf with a little bit of stem (what's a called a node) and you put it in water so it can grow roots and become a new plant. This is equal parts terrifying and fun. I'm always worried that I may kill another plant but alas, it's the risk you take when beginning something new.
As I grew more and more plants, I started to notice how common it was for a plant to have just one single yellow leaf. A sign that leaf in particular was finished with it's work for the plant. Sometimes the leaf are huge and gorgeous and one of my favorites but it doesn't change the outcome. Every leaf will have it's turn so more can grow.
I have had the opportunity to change a lot over my life. I've gone from hyper religious to an atheist. I've gone from right to left politically. And now I've gone from 2 bottles of wine a night to a year sober. Change in my life has lost me people every time it's happened.
Whether due to relationship differences, time, or distance - change usually means I lose people.
It's painful and it hurts every single time. When you are young, you never assume you'll outgrow your hometown and your best friends. Or fuck, maybe you do and I was naïve as hell? That's more likely. But anyways - I really never gave much thought to that I would be different when I got older. I always hated change and I think that was a reason why.
I hated things being different, I wasn't really sure how to feel safe on my own.
As I've allowed myself to walk away from hurtful situations, I've been thankful every time. In the moment, the fear and the anxiety of walking away almost stopped me in my tracks but I knew that it was either make this decision or lose myself, so I made the decision.
Sometimes our decisions to survive mean we lose people we love. It means we have to walk away because staying is actually more painful. Staying means we lose much more than we gain. Sometimes distance is a more powerful healer than we've realized.
Outgrowing people, places, jobs, whatever - doesn't mean you've failed. It doesn't mean you're quitting, it means your moving forward. It means your path has taken a direction that this part of your life isn't on. It sometimes means setting boundaries and choosing yourself to protect your peace. Your peace is necessary to your healing and you deserve it.
Life has been awkward since I've set up boundaries for myself. I'm alone a lot more. But because of that alone time, I've had time to learn what I want and go and do it. From painting to roller skating to baking to puzzles, I have got to hang out with myself for the first time since I was a kid.
It's been weird sometimes not being this person with all these friends to post about or whatever like I used to but now I'm actually living my life so I don't have time to scroll Instagram and be jealous of people I haven't seen in 10 years. It's kind of liberating saying and being ok with having a small circle. I am not showing up to show off, I am just showing up.
As I've let myself change over the past 5 years, I've lost so many leaves. So many have turned yellow and some had to be cut off. Plants are funny in that way - when you prune the ones that need pruning, they explode with growth. Sometimes the older leaves have begun to hold the plant back instead of providing the support it once did.
Change is hard, growth is uncomfortable. It's alright to feel the growing pains because as we let ourselves say goodbye to what isn't working for us anymore, we make room for what will work for us in the future.